i love the bible. i remembered in a dirty little town called semporna after grabbing a paperback 7th grade church camp freebie that i threw in my suitcase on a whim with some highlighters. i love highlighting and underlining in books. that's how i make them mine. whole pages are sometimes bright yellow which seems absurd and necessary at the same time. i love dragging the bright color across the words i like as a i take them in to keep.
as i read, i felt spiritually hungry for the first time in a long time. i started reading and i didn't want to stop. i read voraciously which is cool, because i've always liked the image of a voracious reader and wouldn't say i've ever qualified before. no matter how much i read i felt full when i stopped each day. some days it was 10 minutes, some days an hour. every time was good. it was nourishing. it was comforting. it was awe-inspiring, stimulating, and confounding. it was fun. i put fluorescent green and pink question marks in the margins when something just didn't make sense. there were so many question marks. the bible is maddeningly vague, cryptic, and strange. but somehow that served to draw me in even more. it seemed like i was reading a new book, even though i've read it quite a bit before. i was caught by new words, new phrases, and those that have been dear to me in the past seemed layers deeper in meaning and truth. i had a strong impression that i am the one who has changed. but i found that i have not outgrown my bible. it feels more like i am still growing into it.
i used to fall asleep trying to read my precious moments bible on my bed as a teenager. i remember making myself read every name in the impossibly long genealogies of the old testament thinking i was supposed to mine some truth and meaning from them. and i guess i was afraid God would think i was cheating if I didn't read every word and that he would be disappointed with me. that makes me laugh now like a lot of my spiritual efforts of the past. they were sincere and ridiculous.
now i am back in seattle and for the life of me i can't find my flimsy paperback bible. i feel sad and frustrated. i want a dose and cannot find it. then i forget again until the next time i search. where is it? where did it go? i know i packed it. did i leave it on the plane? will someone find my easter-egg colored book and wonder what crazy person left it there? will someone else find it, read it, and be drawn in? i wonder.
so i think i'll walk to the used bookstore and find another forgotten bible on their shelves just ripe for a highlighting. i actually hope i'll do this until the day i die or until the day that it is indelibly written on my heart. i think that is what i am trying to do - get more of it written inside of me and available to me 24/7. i want the words and phrases to fill my mind when i need them - when i need courage to act, perspective on humanity, reassurance that God has a handle on the situation, when i need comfort, direction, kind words, and to feel known and understood. it's a tall order, but it is a big book. it claims to be living and active and so far i have found it so. it has helped me to have bits and pieces stored up for life. they stream into my mind at just the right time. sometimes they make me nicer than i usually am. i fear a little less. they are communion for my mind. they are more than that - communication with/from/to God. i feel connected. and now i feel untethered without them. i wish i could find my bible again.
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