WHEN GOOD IS BAD

Be not simply good; be good for something.  -Henry David Thoreau

When my first marriage was falling apart, my kind-as-the-day-is-long counselor, Roger, looked me straight in the eye and said, "Shannon, nobody likes a good girl."  And he was talking about me.  It hurt my feelings as I sat there, on his couch, saying nothing, thinking I might cry.  I was both stunned and confused, with some barely perceptible anger underneath. What are you talking about?  God is good!  And He wants us to be good!  You don't know what you're talking about.  Except that I knew that he did.  And I trusted him, because I knew he loved me.  The good I was thinking about must not be the kind of good he was talking about.  At the time, I was desperately trying to be better each day to keep my husband's life and our marriage easy, conflict-free, and happy - thinking all along that I was doing it out of love for my husband and God.  My husband had recently come home, cooked me a steak dinner, and let me know that he was "interested in someone else," so I was reeling.

"What do you mean?" I asked Roger, holding a couch pillow to my stomach and bracing myself for some harsh criticism.  He got more specific.  After a little back and forth, he helped me see that I was being so good, in my marriage, that it was killing me.  He said that I needed to stop.  And I believed him after he kindly helped me understand that being good at the cost of being honest and strong was no good at all.  And I realized that being good out of fear (that my husband would be mad if I didn't live up to his standards or meet his desires) and being good to avoid conflict (because I hate it) wasn't doing anyone any favors, least of all me.  The loud, social, independent, talkative, happy, hopeful, fun, carefree, and sassy cheerleader I had always been was rapidly disappearing.  My last boyfriend had affectionately called me Sassy, which I loved, but she got lost somewhere in Alabama.

Early in our marriage, my ex-husband accused me of always needing to be in the spotlight (saying I was selfish and keeping him out of it),  of wanting to be liked too much (saying things like, "not everybody likes you, you know" and "people wouldn't like you as much as I do if they really knew you." Well, I guess those things are true.  Wait, what?), and of being too competitive (I do love to win, and I did yell at his mom that one time when we played Pictionary).  So I stopped those things.  Cold turkey.  But Roger helped me see and remember that I do love to be in the middle of things (to "hold court" as my friend Paul says), that it's normal to want people to like me (a big part of my behavioral style*), and that I am competitive, but it's in a good way about 99% of the time (also part of my behavioral style*).  Those things are part of my God-given glory, there from birth, hard-wired, and meant to be exercised and used for good in the world, not squelched in the name of being good for someone else.

So I stopped being good.  I stopped accommodating my husband's every wish (and perceived wish), and I quit excusing bad behavior in the name of love and ease.  I stopped trying to be perfect and tried grace and mercy on for a change.  I stopped trying to be someone else (my ideal of what a submissive Christian woman was supposed to be).  I went to the grocery store and bought my husband a six pack of beer (which was hard at the time) as a way of getting rid of some unhealthy fear (if he drinks alcohol, we will be different) and hyper-morality (I was certain Jesus would never drink a beer).  Those things needed to go.

Then I turned the volume back up, found Sassy and moved her to South Carolina, recovered my strength, and showed up as my real self more and more in my marriage.  When I did this, I felt a huge sense of relief, like a heavy burden had been lifted, and, eventually, I felt good again.  Emotionally and psychologically.  Physically and spiritually.  Unfortunately, it didn't save the relationship.  Things actually got worse and never got better.  My fears were not completely unfounded.  Me being myself was not what my husband wanted from me.  He actually wanted someone else.

But it saved my soul.  And by God's grace, a healthy dose of Roger's counseling, and the continued love of people, ON MOST DAYS, I am a little more me, and a little less good, than I used to be.

Jesus replied, "You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.  This is the first and greatest commandment.  A second one is equally important: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'  -Matthew 10:37-39

*If you are interested in exploring your own behavioral style via online assessment (DISC) and debriefing (in person, online, by phone, or by email), let me know.  I'd love it.