sorry

I don’t have any real power to tell people how to use words, but I wish I did. I think using the word sorry in a conversation that involves conflict, misunderstanding, and hurt should be reserved for actual apologies. If I ran the world, I would outlaw the use of the word sorry unless you were apologizing. Otherwise, the word gets used irresponsibly, and that makes things worse. You end up with statements that are powerless to repair the relationship, smooth things over, or make any progress towards understanding. You end up with statements that actually mean, “I am not sorry."

Here are a few personal examples of what I am talking about -

1. I’m sorry that me just being me had to hurt you.

This one takes the cake. This is what my ex-husband said to me after months of lying and cheating on me. What he was really saying was I’m not sorry for what I’ve done, because I was just being me. I think we can all agree that he did not use the word correctly.

2. I’m so sorry this is hurting you. You are such a good person.

This is a close second. This is what my ex-husband’s mistress said to me after telling me that she was not going to end her affair with my husband. The “you are such a good person” was a nice touch, but I would’ve preferred, “I think you are a good person, but I’m going to keep on sleeping with your husband even though I know it will continue to hurt you.” No apology, because she wasn’t sorry. Doesn't that make more sense?

3. I am sorry you feel that way.

This one is more common. If you say this, you really need to stop. It is nonsensical and condescending. Someone who uses this phrase is basically reminding you that he feels he has nothing to apologize for. It is a digging in of the heels. It is a way of saying, “What you are feeling is actually wrong, so there is nothing I need to apologize for.” It might be more honest to say, “It creates negative emotions in me when you think I have done something wrong, but I haven’t,” or “I feel bad, but I’m not sorry.” Maybe people use this phrase, because it seems like a nicer way of saying I am not sorry. It's not. If you are not apologizing, avoid this phrase at all costs. It serves no good purpose. Find a better way to express what you think and feel in the moment.

4. I’m sorry it made you feel that way.

The word it depersonalizes this phrase. You are implying that some circumstance or situation outside your control somehow hurt the other person. But circumstances and situations do not hurt people. People hurt people. This is just another a way of saying, “It is not my fault. I didn’t do anything wrong. I am not sorry.”

5. I’m sorry you’re upset.

Sorry makes no sense here, and this is starting to feel redundant.

So when can you use the word sorry in a responsible way? It’s simple.

A. When you can articulate what you have done wrong and
B. When you are willing to change and make things right.

Otherwise, keep your sorry to yourself. It will be an act of love.